Yeah. It's just I've gotten soooo close to committing class A felonies at various times recently (as in, if I did not sprint tf out or bite/punch myself I would not be typing this). Looking back, the way I plan/react in threatening situations scares tf out of me, and combined with the fact that at times "threatening" could be one of those door-to-door people like exterminators and Jehovah's Witnesses or a dog or a police officer (well, already been there, but I didn't have anything that could be construed as a weapon so I only got tased, not shot).

I don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it (and I really don't think anybody deserves it), but if it comes to (what I perceive as) them vs me and I'm in survival mode, I'm going for me. I'm still trying to clean up the mess from before the hospital little by little. It's incredibly triggering. I don't know whom else this happens to, but after serious shyt goes down and I start remembering, it's always 3rd person. In the moment it was total black out, and when I remember it's just watching my feral self from the outside. I think it's better and it's a way to protect the brain like people do during dissociation. It's kinda dissociating from the dissociation.