Ms C,

Actually the stress of this decision has created some neck and back pain... so I would not longer be lying. I'm not a good making up stories. The good thing is ... I'm tenured... I am not obligated to do this if I don't want to. It will just adversely affect my ability to get promoted.

I've mentioned my issues with being touched in therapy but like some other issues I then to gloss over it quickly. I recognized this pattern a few weeks ago and did a good job last week in not doing this.

Part of me wants to call/contact my T, but I just can't seem to do it. Sunrise presented this situation very clearly in her thread. I want to talk about this with my T, but having my request ignored would just make things worse for me. My T gets booked so there are likely no appointments available. So why waste time asking and then crying about what I can't have. If I call I will have to leave a message with the answering service and risk having it ignored. If I email, her she will likely do what she did before. See that she doesn't have any available appointments and not respond to my message. Like sunrise describes asking for help and not getting a reply will really upset me.

Tonight I am wishing I had Mouse's bravery to knowledge her internal feelings/wants/needs and then actually tell her T what they are and trust her T to handle if, not judge it, and most importantly respond to her.

I need to go to bed because I'm taking myself down and whining too much. As Jello said, it my body I don't HAVE to let people touch me if I don't want to. I also don't have to allow fear of being touched, ignore, abandon, attached, or whatever to keep me up at night.

Thank you all for listening (reading) and sharing your comments.