I did not fall asleep when I went to bed after breakfast. So I used a lot of time reading papers and found it reasonable to not go for the walk. I studied for one hour and found myself filled with "inner anger" and tense muscles. The good feeling from yesterday was gone. Instead, I felt as if I wanted to knock myself down .... I have pain all over my body and even in my face. (I didn't self harm).
It is only two days since I wrote:
Quote:
I think I feel tired of trying and trying, always thinking out clever plans about how to survive. I took an early Spring vacation, this year, to get an end to my Winter SAD. We had many good family gatherings in May/June and some in July. The kids have grown up and are out of the nest (doing well). I am lonely! The Autumn will come and so will the Winter when I have to fight my SAD.
In my cleverness, I have already ordered my Spring Vacation for the next year. Clever me! 
Life is such a struggle ....
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I have started to use the tool STOP (and the acronym the letters stands for). It made me more calm and the only thing I could think about was that I need a break.
Acceptance is that as well: To accept that every day is not so good as one wishes, and that pauses are parts of taking good care of one's health. I will take good care of myself.
(I do understand why I feel this way - Anger is always about not being treated fair, and yes I can remember that there have been many moments in my life when I was not treated fairly. That is why I need to comfort myself today. And more; beneath anger there can be fear. I'll find out what the fear is about).
Sorry for ranting!