Hi Friends,

Let me first start by saying this is a shout to the void, and I don't expect a single person to respond. Part of my DBT Therapy is to ensure that I make public my behavior with people that won't judge me. What a liberating feeling.

~

I lied to my partner about orgasming. He now believes that by lying to him about orgasming, I was lying to him about who I was in sex.

I told him it was because I had a bit of an addiction to porn, and every-time I would watch it, I would get off, and then it made it hard during real sex to come but I was embarrassed and didn't tell him.

He claims that I sexually took advantage of him by lying about orgasming, and he is saying that I coerced him into bring vulnerable in sex and felt like I was using it to have power over him so he would fall more in love with me so he wouldn't leave me.

I never had that intention, but I realize it's not about my intention it's about how my partner feels.

He is away right now for two weeks for his job, so we have another week and a half a part. I am contemplating flying out to where he is stationed to try to repair the relationship and try to work through things with him.

I am doing my absolute best to keep going with my life, but I am finding that it's hard to get out of bed right now and all I want to do is sleep until the day comes when he get's home so we can talk about this face to face. I am struggling to do basic tasks like eat.

I guess I just need someone to hear me. I am scared that he is going to leave but I am also scared that I am the cause.

Sincerely sorry,

no longer sure who I am.