I'm still having fall out from "The session" yesterday...theres a whole lot of griefing within me that is coming to the forefront...theres a whole lot of memorys on an emotional level that are coming to the forefront.....I cried again last night with the pain of it all and felt like the only way to be free of all of this was for T to hold me 24/7/....and I knew that isn't going to happen and then I started to write about friends and family and how really T is exactly where I need her to be...yes I may have fantasys of her being more then a T but I knew in my heart that wouldnt serve me...with that would come all the yukkie ness of normal day to day things we as friends and mothers and whatever role we have in our normal lifes experience with each other...no T does what she is there too do, be an objective presensence on this journey....yes I Had to grief that also....but as the evening wore on I felt safer again knowing that I can count on that one presence to be objective in my life and to know that whatever goes on between us is coming from a place of genuine honesty...something no matter how much we may believe we can achieve with friends, we never can be sure really...I've been in fantasy trying to get T to fit a more intimate role in my life...but I asked myself, do I really want to have to feel toward her like I do with other relationships? do I ever want to wish she'd just go away and leave me alone for a while? NO I want to keep on knowing she is that "special" person that I can take refuge with like a ship in the night...and that allows me to be less demanding on other people in my life...I guess we/I'm lucky that I can say or feel I have that 1 person who I can go too and say it all too...a rock I guess? somewhere to throw anchor....