SD,
I don't actually think I want or need anything from her anymore. I needed stability and consistency, but clearly that's not going to happen.

Maybe I want her to feel things. Guilt, empathy, pain, sorrow, grief, etc. Maybe if she felt these things, maybe I'd believe she cared.

But as far as actions, all she has done is failed me. Hugs, sessions... I don't know what else, but those won't heal this.

I do need to grow my support system. Mine is very small. If you count my pdoc, I have 6 people and 4 dogs in my life. I have no goals and no purpose except to not hurt those people and animals. I was working on grieving my infertility. That feels pointless to process with her now.

You're right. I did do it last time. Two months completely on my own. No therapist. It was just so hard. I don't want to go through this again. But then again, we've had a ton of problems since she's been back, too. So I haven't had her back. And I have a feeling this won't be her last time either. That's why I'm really leaning towards just being done. Her stage in life is not meshing with the support I need. But then again, five years. I gave her my all. She knows literally everything about me. Everything! I'm torn.