On Sunday I had a really strange day. My mood was up and down, I felt like a yo-yo. I had hit this point of feeling like nothing could harm me. We had stopped at the gas station and while my bf was cleaning his windows, I got out and started dancing in the parking lot. I was singing and dancing: people were watching me from the store but I really did not care. I felt so free, at that point I would have faced my most horrible fear that I hold.

As we were driving home, I rolled down the car window. I told my bf to keep driving, that I just wanted to hang out of the car. He laughed, thought I was kidding, but I was not joking. I unbuckled my seat belt and could not stop giggling. He realized that I was serious and closed the window, locking it from his side. His car has the lock for child windows but it works for the passenger side as well. I was so angry but did not show this to him, I know I scared the hell out of him. I told him I did not intend of jumping out of the car, and I really was not going to. I just wanted to sit on the window ledge and just kind of hang out. I don't understand why or what possessed me to even think of such a thing, but it was this unbelievable urge I can't explain.

This continued for about an hour after we got home, suddenly it was like someone shut off my energy button. I sank and have not come back up. I did the SI that night and my mood is sucky still. I told my t today what happened, he said he is concerned about this. I had to do a mood, suicide, thought etc....question and answer sheet for him. I scored extremely high, I think up in the 80's. 100 is the worse you can score. He said that my score is considered high for suicide, but I told him that I had no plans to end my life--which is true.

I have been on this liquid prozac for 3 weeks now--and I feel worse. I also hurt my back again, been in bed for two days. It was hard to get ready today but I did not want to miss my appointment with my t. It is feeling better than it did though. I can at least walk up the stairs instead of crawling (although, I heard how funny I looked crawling up the stairs, butt sticking up...).

Anyway, just my little vent session here. Lots of other things have happened but I honestly don't know where to start or where to end. Hopeless is what comes to mind I suppose but we all feel that way at times.

Thanks for listening,

Justy