Had another session with L tonight. To be honest, I don't remember much of it. I think partially because we did parts work which takes a lot of concentration to remember what part is what. But also because I was so emotional and just kept crying. She told me some ways that she's been feeling all of this for me. She said that getting good sleep has been hard for her. She does feel guilt and remorse for hurting me in this way. She said I need to take a grief break and she'll hold it for me and light a candle for me tomorrow night and Monday night. I wrote her a long list of questions which she's going to answer on Tuesday and then give it to me in writing.

I told her what she did is almost worse than ex-T. At least ex-T left me and stopped harming me. L on the other hand has continued to harm me since her leave. I told her she's been manipulating me to stay by using my love for her against me. I do believe that.

She made a good point, but it also can be seen as manipulation: if I try to find another therapist, trusting them enough to do trauma work is going to take time. And right now I need support to get me through this.

That's all I remember, but there was so much more.

I honestly don't feel safe. H has really stepped it up and has been with me as much as possible and has been trying to cheer me up. He knows I feel sui right now. I've also taken my anxiety med every night. I gave L my all. She knows every detail about me. Even my sex life and history. Everything. I can't do this with another person. She's right, I will never trust someone in this capacity again. And I'll probably never do trauma work again. So the question still remains: do I give up on this relationship because she made a stupid decision? Well, multiple now. Or do I forgive her for all the pain she has caused me? I wish she could go on her meds. Then I might be willing to try to trust her again. But she can't. And I'm not sure I'm willing to put up with her hurting me anymore.

I'm curious: what would you all do? The group I'm a part of on fb have all told me to leave her. Even 2 therapists there have said that. H and my family say to leave her. I know some here have said to leave. Why can't I just cut ties? She is just hurting me way too much.