Comrade,
This isn't news to me from you and from others. I am leaning towards you are right about my relationship with L. I've become emmeshed with her, addicted to her. She provides me with so much that I crave outside myself. I can survive without her. Like SD said, I did it during her last leave. Even when she's not available during a crisis, I still make it through it coping until she can be there. Tbh, in the beginning, I worried about her boundaries. It’s so hard not to take the candy being dangled in your face.

Also tbh, I'm not sure how much progress I've made with L. T is the one who helped me with most my coping skills. And she probably did me a favor trying to wean me off of her after 2 years. But my therapy with L was helpful the last 3.5 years. But since her first pregnancy, it's been all about her or rupture after rupture and crisis after crisis. The only thing that's been completely about me is the situation with my dad and sister.

It would be so hard to walk away and start over. Like really hard. But I think I'm pretty much there. At least the walking away part. My biggest fear is that this will be a permanent decision after I make it. Because of insurance and time slots, I don't think I'll ever be able to go back. So I have to be sure this is what I want.