My Support Forums - View Single Post

Have Hope · 04:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I got really triggered yesterday by an old college friend to the point where I almost left her at the beach, which would have ruined the whole afternoon we had planned together.

Backstory: we had been planning a get together since last spring. We talked back then on the phone about kayaking, or maybe a concert together, and meeting up somewhere halfway between where we live.

Well, finally, we made a plan about 2-3 weeks ago to meet up at a beach spot existing between us.

I had assumed since we had spoken last spring about a get together, that it would just be the two of us meeting up. We are old college buds afterall, and we rarely have the chance to see each other so we've been long overdue for a visit.

Well, without asking me first or telling me, she decided to bring her 15-year old son with her yesterday. I was only informed of this as I was already in my car driving north to meet her.

This threw me off and I got kinda mad on my drive. I texted to let her know it wasn't what I had anticipated, while also telling her it was fine and we would have a good time.

However, just as I had expected, her attention was moreso on her 15 year old son than on catching up with me. And this is when the trigger started. He had brought a paddleboard and was in the water with it. I was trying to explain and communicate a long-ish story to my friend, yet she was standing and watching him instead, telling me that maybe she should go to him and wondering if he was OK.

So I had to say to her: he's fine! He's 15, he will be just fine on his own! Then I informed her that I was trying to tell her a story but she's too distracted by her son. I may have also blurted out that I was upset that she didn't forewarn me that she was bringing her son.

Immediately, she bristled and became very defensive, telling me that none of her other friends minded this kind of thing. So I calmly explained that my preference was that she at least tell me ahead of time, or ask me if it's OK if he joins us for our day together. Well, she did not take that feedback very well, and that's when I became so triggered that I had to leave her and take a walk down the beach by myself.

At which point, I called my mother and 2 other friends, so triggered and thinking I should just leave the 2 of them at the beach and drive home at that point. I was that upset.

Finally I walked back to where she was sitting, and she apologized. Her apology softened me and I was able to calm down to stay with her and continue our afternoon.

We caught up a bit more, but I did leave 4 hours after meeting up and decided to head back home. I determined that 4 hours was plenty enough time to have spent.

Her son was great, don't get me wrong. In fact, he was adorable and very cool to hang out with. I told her this, too, and made sure to let her know that it was wonderful to meet her son.

But still, the confrontation I had with her not informing me of him joining us kinda soured the whole experience for me. I had driven a total of 3 hours round trip for this visit with my friend.

She texted later that next time, we can plan on a girls only ski day this winter. We did talk about going skiing together. So, she did understand, but in the heat of the moment of me being triggered and communicating my upset, she had become defensive.

This makes me wonder how I communicate when I am triggered. It may come out to others as a very condemning, harsh tone of judgement and blame. I mean, she became defensive and one reason people become defensive is if they feel attacked in some way.

So now I am wondering if I resort to being on the offensive and come across as attacking someone when I am triggered?

I know that when I am triggered, people often do become defensive with me in response.

Then again, when I am triggered, it's often because I feel disrespected by that person and call them out on their disrespectful behavior.

9 times out of 10, the person in question cannot handle my direct and honest feedback and commonly will deflect responsibility for their actions and/or go on the attack on me...

Which then for me, begs the question: is it me being overly emotional and reactive, or is it that generally speaking, certain types of people cannot handle being called out on their bad behavior??

So, I want to unpack and dissect this incident and confrontation.

The whole afternoon my girlfriend talked about herself without once asking me how I am doing or what's going on in my life. This also was a trigger, and reminded me of my narc ex husband and of many other narcissists I had to deal with in my life, including my own father.

So, that was a trigger already occurring for me, leading up to the confrontation.

Finally, when I had a chance to talk about some of my own issues that I am facing, her attention instead of being on me and my story, it was elsewhere and focused on her son. So, here, I felt neglected, another trigger for me in dealing with narcissists.

Then, when I tell her I am upset, her response is to become defensive and go on the offensive, by saying that none of her other friends mind. So, the message there is, what's YOUR problem? No one else has this problem with me, but YOU. An isolation factor, yet another trigger for me. Now, I am being called out as being the isolated single person who has an issue with her bringing a kid along.

Then, when I calmly explain my position, she still couldn't apologize or hear me in the heat of the moment, forcing me to take a time out and walk away from her.

This incident is reminding me of narcissists in my life: which now makes me wonder if my old college friend is a narcissist?

I did notice that she has become quite bristly and harsh in her tone. I had said something else to her quite innocently, and she lashed out at me with a very harsh tone in response.

The situation: I had commented very neutrally & non judgmentally on her political beliefs, and which candidate she supports for the Presidency. I did make an assumption on her stance based on what friends had told me about her political leanings. Yet, I found myself becoming extremely and overly apologetic to her after she became so harsh and bristly with me over my assumption.

Yeah, I get it. I made an assumption, but why was I suddenly feeling like I had to walk on eggshells with her, sensing or anticipating that I could step on a landmine that could set her off at any time?

Then again, I have been informed that her own husband is a narcissist, and she is dealing with that at home, and has been for more than 15 years.

Which leads me to wonder: is my girlfriend yet another narcissist I have come across in my life, or is her behavior the product of marrying a narcissist?

She talked all about herself, she went on the offensive when i called her out, and she has a very bristly, harsh tone and hardened seeming personality. Oh, she's also a therapist working for the army. She told me all she''s heard about since March is suicide. That could explain her hardened persona. And, she married a narcissist.

I don't know. Once again, I feel like recoiling from all people, sticking only to my closest girlfriends whom I know are NOT narcs.