I hate myself sooooo much. I hate that others that know me either hate me or have deluded themselves/ I've manipulated into thinking I'm a chill person. Or free-spirited and spontaneous. Whatever works for them. Or the opposite.

Can I just be a God and take me apart, weld some shyt together, put some screws in, throw some paint on me, take away these thoughts, and add a bit of cushion for potential impacts. That cushion is important. I wish I had that, but I don't, so here I am, left to accept that I'm never going to be content with living.