I took a train to San Francisco this summer. I got sexually harassed, the second time in two years, which is impressive since I don't put myself in social situations with strangers very often.

It changed something in me. I'm a 26 year old woman who wants a husband and family someday. All my friends are married with children. I am single and live in Mom's basement because COL is insane here.

Before, I looked at men I found attractive in public as potential partners. Now? All I see are potential threats. Everyone who looks like the guy on the train triggers the hell out of me. He was old enough to be my dad. I told him not to. He did it anyway. Men my age just look like flight risks or ways I'll be used for sex. Older men remind me of train guy.

I want a relationship. I'm so incredibly touch starved and needing that connection. But I look at men and see danger.

On a different note, even if I did find a guy, I can't trust they wouldn't cheat on me which is a massive trigger. Like, it might make me commit the big sleep. Which means I'm not ready for a relationship ...right? But then what have I been doing all this work in therapy for, the last 10 years?

Both my parents cheated on each other and put me in the middle of it. I wish they'd just gotten divorced. I was 8 the first time I thought to myself, this isn't what love is. They need to separate. I knew I shouldn't model my love life after them. But then I was in another conundrum: who do I model my relationships after?

I don't think the love I want exists. I maladaptive daydream bad, imagining a relationship. The guy in my head won't hurt me. Im worried it'll be this way forever. I don't want it to be. I have absolutely no idea how to trust someone not to hurt me.

Please don't tell me life isn't about relationships, or I need to love myself first (I do, it's a complicated love, but it's love), or that some people end up alone and that's okay. I don't want to be alone. I want a partner. My therapist says that's reasonable and not the crime I once thought it was.

Peace and love, thanks for reading, hope someone can relate.