Today I'm see all this differently. What I thought was just an intense fear of being touched it that but tangled up in a lot more. I am repeating a childhood pattern. I'm a child who suffers intense nightmares but instead of calling or seeing comfort from others, crawls under the bed and covers her head and waits for daylight. In the morning she realizes that she has survived and her fear was just imagined and she has not yielded to the irrational; But she is also left feeling overtired, resentful, and alone. This situation is about fears, attachment, and transference all tangled up and distorting reality and creating unhappiness. I know I am supposed to accept what I am feeling and not think there is something wrong with me. But it is challenging.