It's also important to remember that abuse tends to be progressive.

Many (if not most) abusers start relationships as the most charming and charismatic people you can imagine. The escalation is often a slow and steady pattern of testing and amping up of abusive behaviors. You get into "frog in the pot" territory where the victims' are often not aware of just how bad things have gotten over time--- even if they know something isn't right. True victims aren't victims by choice, and shouldn't ever feel blamed or shamed for something cruel that another person has done to them.