@RDMercer, it takes time to learn what people are actually saying when they make their comments. This other couple stating there are two sides actually means they don’t want to take sides. These people are not trying to declare fault, they just don’t want to disrespect either of you or take on the challenge between you.

You have been facing a real challenge as a parent and I think you have tried to love and listen to your children without encouraging them to be against their mother. I question the advice for you to foster a relationship between your children and their mother. I think that is something they need help and guidance from a professional. I also feel it’s important that your children feel their home is their safe place. This means your wife should not just show up demanding a visit. It’s more important your children be informed ahead of time. It’s clear your children have been traumatized by your wife. I know from personal experience that people who have substance abuse problems can be imbalanced and can get mean both emotionally and physically. Children do not have the life skills to understand or self protect.

People with substance abuse problems notoriously play the victim and downplay their substance abuse issues. They tend to blame the ones that are sober. Also they tend to be around others that also have substance abuse problems. Stating they have cut back is just a form of denial. The disease leads to changes in moods so one never knows what mood they will be facing. Being generous means NOTHING, it’s just another form of denial. Your daughter is too young to understand this.

I think you are trying and you have reached out for help. Your wife has to be responsible for her issues. Dressing up and suddenly showing up twice as you describe was a selfish act.