In an ideal world unlike the one we live in, I would have therapy 2-3 times a week, extended sessions of 90 minutes and occasionally (with pre-planning) 2-hour sessions. I want a therapist who has had their own deep therapy, is smart, snarky, funny, collaborative and who does not view themselves as the "expert" and/or hoard power. I'd want a therapist who trusted me to know what I need, who trusted me in general. One who might challenge me sometimes to look deeper or consider different perspectives, but doesn't think they know better than I do and who doesn't make a habit of telling me what is or mansplaining myself to me.

I want a therapist who doesn't mind being challenged, who doesn't get defensive, or if they do (because, human), will own it. Someone who will apologize if they messed up, but not take on more than is theirs, and who isn't too passively sweet and accommodating. I like a therapist who is super engaged and interactive, very real/human in the room, and who will go really deep with me, take risks, and allow themselves to be vulnerable on occasion. I need a therapist who will grow with me.

Definitely in person. And who allows out-of-session contact by email, essentially unlimited (again, trusting me to know what I need and to not be excessive), but who doesn't engage a lot via email. The agreement I had with my previous therapist was that I would ask for a response if I needed one, if I didn't ask for one, they would use their judgement about whether to respond or not. This resulted in them responding about a third of the time, and that felt about right to me. Not so often that I became dependent on their reassurance, but often enough to built trust and maintain the connection between sessions. One who has flexible boundaries around things like out-of-session contact, extra sessions, touch in therapy, etc. and who is willing to talk it through and come to a joint decision that honors both of our needs. One who doesn't pretend they don't have needs in the therapy space, because of course they do. Someone who is honest--really honest--with me. And perhaps more importantly, honest with themselves.

Someone who genuinely comes to care about me and is not afraid of love in the therapy space. One who allows themselves to be known by me. One who is willing to be creative and a bit unconventional in the therapy. One who is not afraid of attachment or "dependence" in the therapy space (not that they foster it, but are accepting and skilled in working with transference, not uncomfortable) and who believes humans are meant to be interdependent. One who believes that therapy is a combination of corrective experiences and also learning to meet more of our own needs.

I had all of this. I had it for 8.5 years, and then he unexpectedly went on leave 6 months ago, and we only had one final session, and I am heartbroken and not optimistic about ever finding this again.