My whole life, all I wanted was to be a mom. I even tried getting pregnant as a teenager. Stupid, I know. I don't want to get into my sexual history, but I'll say that I tried to get pregnant a few other times before H. I knew by the time I was with H, something was wrong with me. Even with H, 19 years, not one pregnancy.

I say all of that because it's been my dream, my purpose on this earth to be a mom. That is not L. She wants children, yes, but it not her primary focus in life. It's not her purpose. I don't mean it's not a priority now, just dream-wise, that wasn't the most important goal for her. I thought she wouldn't get pregnant first month with the last one. She did. And now she got pregnant without even trying. She doesn't understand the toil infertility takes on you. She doesn't understand what it's like to lose your whole purpose in life. Or to even lose a dream. L has a very good life. She has tons of purpose and has met many of her dreams. She just can never understand being CNBC. I wanted to work through this with her before she started trying to have children. I knew if she did have a child, it would put us miles apart, just like with everyone else. And it has. And the way she did it this time...

I just truly don't believe she can even closely understand. Just like I cannot ever understand what it's like, pros and cons, to be a parent. Just like I can never know what one of her major griefs is like. I can feel for her, but I can never understand.