Thanks Ana.

Yes. I'm not looking for infertility advice. I know my options and I know what will and won't work for my family. The only reason I talk about my infertility is because it is a factor in why I'm having a hard time with L. Their comments just showed how much they didn't understand infertility.

I actually do not know why I walked out. It's like I blocked out the entire session. The only things I remember are one of her therapists put a new desk in her office and she didn't warn me which triggered my anxiety and her anxiety for me. Then she forgot our greeting hug because of her anxiety which triggered me even more. And for the rest of the session I was frozen. But I don't know why I walked out.

I had a phone session with her Wednesday which went well. We talked about something she was vague with me about. And then I had an in-person double session yesterday. I actually was able to tell her about all my infertility news: something insensitive my mom said, insurance denying me to see a reproductive endocrinologist, and H's lab results. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about telling her. On one hand, I wish I didn't. She didn't deserve to know. Or I don't want her to feel better in anyway because she helped me. But the release from crying, just having someone be with me in it, someone who just listened... it was so needed. It's really heavy carrying all of this alone. But she didn't pretend to understand and she listened and asked questions. She was comforting.

But now I hurt more and am conflicted. How good yesterday felt makes how bad what we're going through seem even bigger. There's such a contrast. And the conflicted part is how do I go forward with all this pain and while also carrying yesterday's good? The both/and is just so big. It's so confusing. My brain and heart are just overwhelmed.

Right now, we're a baby step forward. My next real time contact will be Sunday or Monday. We'll be discussing the other the she was vague with me about. Not looking forward to that conversation. I have a bad feeling that that isn't going to turn out well.