Back from the hospital. Yayyyyy. Only two injections this stay. Found some mail saying I got approved for an "affordable housing" apartment. $1200/mo. **obviously I said no to that and in the hospital the social worker got me an interview for this transitional housing place on Tuesday, and rent is based on 30% of your income. Shared bathroom, but that's ok.

My "rep payee" (mom) I guess wasn't doing a good job at being a rep payee () and there was a letter saying they would make me my own payee, and I'm not even getting that money now, so...my income is solely based on how much it snows and how much the grass grows now.

My IP NP probably knows me more than my outpatient provider, but sometimes I straight up don't believe her. A lot of time I refuse to call certain things/periods of my life "trauma'--ya know, just normal lifely strifes--but she said if trauma were ranked, she'd put me at #1 of what she's seen. Maybe I'm just most honest? Maybe it was a tactic? She seriously took out the DSM and we went through PTSD symptoms under the assumption of one specific event being "trauma" and I had all except two. She said she'd rather say I have CPTSD than BPD too since I seem too "lively" (?)

As for meds, I am no longer allowed to be on any antipsychotics unless I am in an ER and abso-fking-lutely need to calm tf down then I can have zyprexa zydis or IM. Even Seroquel started causing akathisia, and akathisia might as well be suicidality at this point. I did get diagnosed with ADHD (apparently severe) and placed on Ritalin (don't worry, with Depakote). Supposedly stimulant + bipolar = mania, but I swear I've never been more...I don't know whether to say "at peace" or "calm" or "levelheaded." Focused and organized for sure. It's like my thoughts are more streams of observations, questions, and ideas than near constant non-sequiturs. I can sit for more than 10 minutes (and even sit at all without the akathisia). We talked about it and I still struggle with a lot of ADHD stuff, but I swear this Ritalin shyt is like turning my brain from extreme mode to moderate mode.

I know catching up is going to be too overwhelming right now (still struggling mood wise but more on the low end and even probably less so bipolar-depression just straight up lower than baseline feeling bad-ness), but I hope all of you have been doing well/are doing better