Does anyone else struggle with living in constant fear of your bipolar diagnosis?

One way this comes out for me is, every night, I take stuff into my room to have in case it messes with my sleep. I'm fortunate that since starting meds, even when manic, I usually sleep and yet I feel like I have to bring stuff to my room just in case. I take stuff to my room so my roommate wouldn't know I was up in the middle of the night.

But, I'm also constantly terrified of the SI thoughts I get (whether I'm struggling with them at the moment or not) and that one day I will have symptoms that are so bad people will find out that I have bipolar disorder. In my mind, if that happens, my life will be completely destroyed. This fear is bad enough that, in my mind, hospitalization can never happen because then people would know so, no matter what, I'm going to have to manage with nothing but pdoc and counselor help (if it ever gets to that point).

I think I fear people finding out and SI thoughts most of all.