@Open Eyes

You're right. You're completely right.

I look at the people in my life right now. There are so many good people; deeply good people that command no attention at all. It's easy to see the surface.

I think it was right for my friend to tell me that about my wife. It hurt a LOT, but all these things continue to solidify in my mind that she's not who I thought she was at all.

This may sound crazy, but I actually thought..... IF I loved her so much, and IF that was because she was merely playing a role and reflecting me back to me, THEN I bet I'll really enjoy my own company.

Like I said to a friend, I go through these periods of depression and feeling overwhelmed, then when I come out the other side, it's like I'm at a new stage in my recovery. Each new stage is fragile and needs time to develop and take root. Right now, I'm not where I was two weeks ago. And comparing this to where I was in August is a big difference, because a lot has suddenly happened and it's forced change and growth. I'm lucky I can change and grow.

I've talked before about deeply enjoying the peace and quiet here. Enjoying the complete dark and silence of the house at night, and not even wanting music on. Just craving the peace. Then that changed. There's music on much more often again. I still enjoy the peace, but the deep profound longing I used to feel during it is waning.

I think I'm someone who feels deeply, and I don't defend myself very much. I'm not a good "cognitive first" thinker. I'm more of an "emotions first" thinker. I'm working on that.

My kids are SO healthy and doing SO well. They've gone off-roading for the afternoon and I'm working at home. Yesterday we were all at a baby shower for a young couple my son has known since kindergarten. Afterwards two of them went to visit friends, and me and daughter went riding dirt bikes.

My son is taking some vacation and tonight we're watching scary movies together. The big fella is taking his kid sister to Spirit Halloween to look for costumes later today too.

My daughter's therapist called me last week just to tell me my daughter is doing, so, so much better, and to tell me how profoundly my daughter loves me.

These things are blessings.

I'm scared of court. I'm scared of being financially ruined, but I also go through periods of being hopeful. Right now, I am far more mentally prepared to see her in court than I was a few weeks ago. I'm scared I won't be as genuine in my version of things because I've had some time to heal.

Anyway. I'm OK.