Quote:
Originally Posted by Jersey 4
I’m having trouble in my marriage. We aren’t fighting or anything. I think I just don’t love him anymore. I mean I love him as we are together for 24 years now but I’m not in love with him. We co-exist. We are more like roommates. We don’t spend any time together anymore. I work days all week Monday-Friday and he works nights all week Monday-Friday. When we are home together on the weekends we aren’t really “together”. Neither of us are putting forth any effort anymore. So it’s not just like I’m placing blame on him. I’m not. It definitely comes from both sides. The thing is that he’s not a bad guy. He treated me well. There is no simple answer to this. End it? Just keep living the way we are? I don’t actually expect anyone to give me the answer. I’m just sending the question out into the universe. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier alone. I’ll take advice if anyone has any. I know we can try to do things like find a hobby together or revisit some of the things we used to enjoy doing together to try to connect but the desire isn’t there from either side.
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Hugs, Jersey (if wanted). I can identify with this, though in my case, we've been together...19 years? Something like that (married 16). It can feel very roommate-llke at times. It can be difficult to know whether this is just what tends to happen in long-term relationships.
For us, it helps to go out together for a bit every week (without D), when possible, even just a couple hours. (I try to prioritize still doing that, even if I'm really tired or just not in the mood to go out.) But it feels we're in a rut with the same restaurants. At the beach a few weeks ago, I suggested we play mini golf, which is something we haven't done in years, which was fun and a bit bonding. Another thing--not sure if this applies to you, but we used to hang out with other people more (other couples or groups), which also helped, but that doesn't seem to have come back since the pandemic (and he was the more extroverted one).
I'm not sure if you've done this already. But have you talked to your H to see if he feels the same way? And, maybe more importantly, if he wants to change it? (Dr. T has given me that advice before, and I've found it to be helpful.) If he seems to have some interest in changing it, then talk about what you could do that might help. If he's content with things the way they are, then you have a different question.