T asked me if I had any and if I would bring them in. So I did.

It was very difficult, not only to see that a family such as ours who "looked" so normal ended up so %$#$%$ up, but to see my dad walking around and laughing etc. It was painful.

At one point my father lifts me up from behind a snowbank and everyone is laughing and having a good time and my mother and him start a snowball fight. That should make me laugh and feel good. No. I cry. Even just writing this.

People always say to me, "you should hold on to the good memories" but they don't know that's the problem. They don't know, that for some reason I'm still trying to figure out, I chose to discard the good and hold on to the bad, sad, scary, angry ones. I have done that with all who die.

When he died, it was so very painful for me. I stuffed all memories of him way, way down in my toes. I cried for two years until I was twelve, asking God to let me die so I could be with my father. I did this quietly because no one knew what to say to me. Then I woke up one day and said to my mother "I can't remember Daddy." Her response, typical of her, "OF COURSE you can remember him. For Chrissakes you were ten years old!" I quickly realized my mistake and lied to her, telling her I remembered him until about 12 years ago when my brother died. (My favorite one of the two who died)

What I remember of my father's death is the six months before he died when he struggled with his brain tumor. (we didn't know until three days before he died that's what it was) He became a father I didn't know. I remember being told when he died. I remember going to the wake and I remember the funeral all the way up to the point where we headed towards the grave.

It's as if my "life" started at age ten. I guess that's because it was an enmpty, scary, new life without him and then my house became a flop house for junkies and &^%$%$ me up even more.

Don't know why I rambled so. Just wanted to mention the movie part. Even with the sadness it brought up, it was pretty cool to share that part of my life with T, cuz all she usually hears is the creepy stuff.

Thanks for listening.