I saw a reel today that said people with bipolar disorder sometimes wish for mania but tend to always fear depression; I can relate to this. Lately, I've been wanting my hypomanic sweet spot to kick in so I can enjoy life more than depression allows. The sweet spot also feels fun. But, the truth is, whenever I experience it next (which will probably be sooner than later since I had to stop the one type of birth control and don't have a different type yet) I won't be happy it's there because the sweet spot doesn't last long and is followed by unpleasant manic symptoms and then a depressive crash. Part of me also fears the sweet spot kicking in because I know what follows.

As I type this, I feel like I've written a similar post as this before. I guess it shows a pattern of mindset for me.