I had a rough pdoc appointment, to the point where I sat in my car and cried for a bit when I got home (and I'm not a crier). My pdoc confirmed what I already knew and that's that he can't do anything to help me when I get depressed/suicidal because I don't handle meds well so there isn't really anything else we can try, especially since SSRIs are a no go. I knew this was what he was going to say, but actually hearing it really hurt. The thought of having to just wait it out anytime I get depressed/suicidal (which tends to happen at least a few times a year) fills me with so much dread and disappointment. I know people struggle with SI all the time and yet manage to live long lives but, to be completely honest, I don't fully trust my brain to not just give up one of these years.

My pdoc did give me his email though, in case I need to reach him asap, because he monitors that more than the online portal.

I'm really worried this very disappointing appointment is going to trigger the depression/SI thoughts that I had finally been getting a break from these past few days.

Trigger warning: appetite/food talk