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needtotalk
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Member Since May 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 4
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Default Oct 06, 2024 at 03:26 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tart Cherry Jam View Post
You absolutely do not have to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is grossly overrated and written about a lot as if there were solid proof that it was a necessary part of healing. There are observations that people who are by their nature more forgiving of others tend to be happier overall, but it does not mean that by forcing forgiveness onto yourself you will join their ranks. In other words, forgiveness might be a marker of good mental health but not a decisive factor in it. You are way too young to get that analogy, but it is a little bit like HDL ("good cholesterol"): people with higher HDL tend to have better cardiovascular health outcomes, but artificially upping HDL in people who start with low HDL, say by having them use coconut oil, does not lead to better outcomes.

So you absolutely do not have to forgive, but, I agree with Molinit, you need to deal with the feelings. I agree with other things Molinit said.

In terms of destroying a cuddly toy trying to take your feelings out on it, do not do it anymore but sign up for a boxing gym. You will get a much more intense release of emotions in a structured environment and improve your physical health a lot to boot.
Hi, thanks so much for reaching out - I'm not sure what you mean by me "being too young" though? I do understand your analogy as I am 28, haha.

Your opinion interests me actually - I often hear in therapy that forgiveness is what we need to aim for because it means that you are letting go of your pain, but if you don't forgive you are holding onto it.

I also don't think I should have to cut myself out of my mother's life like I am the bad guy either. Whenever I don't talk to her it feels like he is winning and getting his way, and that he has sold himself the narrative that I have basically been banished (which is not true). She is my mother, I'm an independent person and don't live with her so I deserve to have an uninterrupted meeting with her from time to time, as well as stay with her for a bit as long as she is happy having me there (though it isn't my goal to do so and for obvious reasons I prefer not to; but then this makes me pissed and envious at all the lucky people who get to have both parents still be alive and whom accept their child regardless of who they are.
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