I am sorry ((RD)) sadly I know exactly what you are describing. When you have experienced someone that can be unpredictable where one day or a few days they are nice and then they change and can get mean, it can slowly get into your nervous system. Unfortunately this is also how it is with your children too, especially your oldest son.

From listening to what you have shared about your wife, she always had the upper hand and only “allowed you” to have some intimacy. You were often put down and even told you would end up being a homeless bum without her. She had you convinced that YOU were the problem and you began to believe her. You genuinely believed that if you behaved and were patient and obedient you would get the love you wanted from her. She had you brainwashed RD

It doesn’t matter how attractive she is either because inside she is selfish and mean. Plus she has a problem with alcohol and that exasperated her mood changes. Alcoholics notoriously struggle with emotional maturity so they end up turning to alcohol to escape their emotions. They can also be abusive where they take out their anger and stress on others. They tend to be users and their skills tend to revolve around getting attention and drama. Your wife only has the maturity of a child, so in that she will never be a good mentor for your daughter. I think your daughter knows this, feels this but doesn’t know how to articulate it. Actually, this is familiar to you and because it’s somewhat familiar it got overlooked.

I know you feel your mom loves you, but if you really think about it your mother struggled in a very similar way to where she too escaped through alcohol. I think your son gets triggered and yet he has put in the time to learn and identify a lot. He did ask you at one point “why do you let her treat you so badly””? Well, do you understand that is because of what you dealt with growing up? Oh it’s that damn familiar that gets us. But we must not be too hard on ourselves because we just adapted not knowing the difference. It never means you are stupid either or even that you failed.

So we talk about healing and yes there is that, but there is also growing too. Your wife is not going to change and she reminds you of that every time you are exposed to her. That is going to take more time to adjust to and there will probably always be that alarm that goes off. Just don’t beat yourself up over it and I know that is easier said than done because I struggle with that myself.

I think you have gained a lot in your healing. These triggers are a reminder that the less you experience your wife the better. Let her find someone else and KNOW that person is not getting any prize.