Hi Kitty Parina,
I too have this same feelings that you do I am bipolar 1 and I quit taking my meds and then one day it hits me and for me it is like a diffrent person when i go in manic modes I crave to drink and then my inhibitions are gone and I do a lot of crazy things. It has ruined a lot of good relationships. I had one about a month ago and it was terrible always having to feel guilty for stuff you would not have done if you were normal. I think it effects eveerybody diffrent I was also sexually abused as a child and my thing is to let men do whatever I can not say no. I am not strong enough to. I keep thinking this is all my fault and i should have known better but the truth is it is a chemcal imbalence in your brain and u can not control with out meds and it really is a bad disorder because people thik u r fine and u try to live a normal life but u can once u get close to someone an episode hit and they think u r really out there.