To be honest, there's four things upsetting about the "power" statement. 1. What you said, LT. She can destroy my whole life whereas I can only destroy a (big) aspect of hers. 2. I want no such power over anyone not even an enemy. 3. What are the parts of our relationship that could end her career? If she was 100% professional and ethical then I wouldn't have such power. True? I don't have that power over T. 4. I wonder if either "power" keeps her trapped in our relationship.

I truly don't know why I pulled away. Normally, I only do a little bit, but today I literally moved away from her. She got me to calm down and move back. I wish my memory of words worked.

Thank you for understanding how I feel about hopelessness being minimized to a feeling. Part of what I think she was saying was that just because I feel hopeless doesn't mean we are hopeless. But it doesn't mean it's not true either. There could be no hope for us. Sometimes, a lot of times, I think I'm being delusional for keep trying. I think she might be delusional too. Or trapped?