@Have Hope

Hi Hope! I got a lot to say on this one. I hope you'll hear me out.

First off, thank you for your support in my situation over the years. I really appreciate it, and appreciate you.

My ex wife is a very beautiful woman. You've heard me say that before. You and I are of a similar age. She is a natural beauty and has a face, hair, and figure that would look great on a 35 year old.

People can say "Looks don't matter" but looks matter. We are made in our biology to seek out physically attractive partners.

Who am I? A former farm boy and construction worker, who moved up into a desk job. My oldest is a competitive strength athlete and I'm his coach. I have some visible muscle on me, but also a middle-aged dad bod because I like coffee and burgers a lot.

People have told me my wife picked me because I was the guy who could look after a lot; renovate the house, physical outdoor play with the kids, repair and maintain the vehicles. And if I couldn't, I knew a guy. We need to get the trees trimmed. I know a guy. We need extensive work on one of the cars. I know a guy. We're changing out the heating system in the house? I know a guy. I was also someone who was OK working a lot. She couldn't work? I'll do more. She's sick? I'll take over with the kids completely. She's got special diets? That's not much fun. I'll learn to cook like that.

I'm someone who makes a solid income, but nothing outrageous. I have to plan for Christmas. I don't travel internationally at all. Etc.

Who does a beautiful woman without family responsibilities date after becoming single in her 40's? She dates well. Really, really well.

I can't compete with those guys. I've heard about her trips, the concerts she's travelled to, the cars she's driving now, the big apartment she has, but in court she says she's only making $25k a year.

In my experience..... Quit torturing yourself!

I dream of karma for her, but it might not happen. People who live outside of the accepted rules of decency aren't bound by the same morals as the rest of us.

I dream of telling her dates and her new circle of friends who she really is, but do you think they'd listen? They are birds of a feather, all of them.

Why did your husband follow you around the house arguing about a hairbrush? To get a response. Why did he pick so many issues? To get a response. You gotta quit responding.

Quit trying to out-do him on social media. I'd love to try to do that. But these people have a turtle shell around them. You aren't going to hurt them. You aren't going to trigger introspection. They aren't like us. Your interactions with him, or seeing social media stuff will hurt you so much more than it will ever hurt him. In every interaction, you are more emotionally vulnerable than him.

I said above that I can't compete with the guys and the friends my wife's got now. You know why? Because we are playing different games. I'm playing the game of being happy, finding peace, providing stability for my kids, building a solid future for all of us. She's playing a game of extraction, and so are the people around her.

The guys she's dating now won't love her, but she thinks this is what love is; erratic, exploitative, and transactional. OK.... Go do that. I can't.

Does it HURT to see the woman I loved, my beautiful wife, with these very attractive, accomplished guys? You're effing right it hurts! So, I don't go looking for it, and I sure as heck don't try to compete with it.

My current therapist cut right through all this stuff for me. She said, "You aren't strong enough to interact with her yet. Avoid her. Focus on you until you are stronger. The first steps are, make no room for her in your life. Remove all traces of her from your home. Block all social media interactions with her. Do fulfilling things for you. Spend time and money on things you enjoy and find peace in. Do this until you have enough peace that she doesn't shake you when you see her."

Hope.... You can't compete with him in this stuff. You're playing a different game than him. He's not seeking betterment, or peace, or happiness, or fulfillment. And the thing about toxicity is that it is contagious. It will creep into your life if you interact with him.

RDMercer