Had another session. Cried a ton. But it was good. We're trying to help me hold onto her love for me. I do okay for awhile after an interaction, but then the doubt creeps in and I feel so far away from her. I think if I could just hold it, I could move forward better. At the very least, if I can, I want to move forward. I just don't know if I can. The betrayal feelings, doubt and pain are so big. But I do want my relationship back with her.

I am also having problems holding the both/and. L who loves me AND L who hurt me deeply. Wanting to be free of suffering AND not wanting relief because I feel it invalidates my pain. I need to hold all these things at the same time. I also need to somehow forgive. I know she didn't do this to me, but her (poor) choices have deeply impacted and triggered me. I need to find empathy for her for why she made her choices. And I need/want to find joy for her. I have none right now. The pain eclipses everything.

I'm trying. It's so hard for me. So much of my past and own issues are triggered by this. If she just would have made a different choice, if it would have happened the way we planned, I wouldn't be in as much pain. Sure, every time she'll get pregnant affects me in multiple ways. But getting pregnant on accident just triggers me in many more ways.

I only have 5 months left... I don't think I can work through this in time.