Yes! That perfectly describes a major aspect of this. I wish she was my mother. I wish she would love me like she loves her children. We have a definition for our love. One is agape. And that's a good and desirable love to have. But I want storge. I have craved for maternal love for as long as I can remember. I've had mother-figures throughout my life. L and I have barely addressed my desires towards her until these pregnancies. I feel jealous of the babies, that there is favoritism and like I'll have to compete. She says I don't need to compete. That my space in her heart is my own. But in my head and heart I know that I cannot compete and that's exactly as it should be. Children, and in this case her children, come first. When being honest with myself, that's what I want too. I'm an adult. My time has passed. And these innocent little ones deserve the chance to be fully loved the way I never got.

Now that she's showing, seeing her was a huge trigger. Now there's no denying it. The fantasy is gone. There's a baby inside her and with us in the room. It triggers the grief instantly. That's why I don't want to go back. I don't want to see her pregnant. I'm tired of feeling grief and loss and pain. Her showing will be a reminder for me for the next 5 months. A reminder of my loss of time with her, my personal loss of motherly love and my loss of having my own child. And it's only going to get worse because she'll only grow more.