Trigger applied for talking about self-injury

Oh goodness. Before anyone jumps in and says this is mean and cruel of my T, please be advised-- I fully agreed to this and was involved in the planning.

I skillfully glanced at the clock when I felt that the session was coming to an end. Yes, I was right-- five minutes left! It was the perfect time to bring up self-injury.

T decided that it was time to take action. We have spent many hours discussing my SI-- in terms of the causes, meanings, significance, etc. We don't talk about stopping because the rule is-- I'll stop when I'm ready, I don't want to hear your suggestions, I would prefer to just keep SI'ing for now.

However, a long theme with my SI is that it has been largely ignored by those around me. As a result, I tend to downplay it, while at the same time, screaming for help inside.

T said, "I am going to propose a deal. You pick a number to limit your cutting. If you cannot limit your cutting to this number, then you will not be allowed your second session for the week." I immediately started laughing and snorting because I didn't believe him. I said, "Yeah, ok... what are you going to do? Kick me out if I come in and tell you that I have exceeded the limit?" T said, "If you come in and tell me you have exceeded the limit, I will tell you that you have to go. I will not charge you for the session." Then he told me that my other option was to call him beforehand and let him know that I could not keep my part of the deal and that I wouldn't be coming in. Laughter stopped. Random, nervous giggles punctuated the silence. "Oh, you're serious?" I asked. "I'm serious," T said. "Wow," I told him. "You can be a real %#@&#! when you want to!" He said, "Yeah, I know-- but this is your gift for bringing this up five minutes before the end of a session."

T and I both agreed that we knew that I would never lie to him about the number of times I cut. I have never lied to him. I never would. He knows this. I know this. I told him that it was impossible for me to pick a number of cuts for in-between sessions. For me, it could be 99 or 14-- it's all the same because it never feels like enough. In order to shut him up, I yelled, "Okay!! 23!" (I know it sounds like a high number, but I can get pretty out of control with my SI). Anyway, we decided it wouldn't be me so much about the exact number as it would be about my process during the times in which I need to SI. We agreed that I would try really hard to ground myself by connected to the moments in which I am in the office with him-- moments in which I feel safe and connected. The basis of this is to be able to think back and connect to the times in which I am able to tolerate overwhelming emotions without hurting myself.

At the very end of the session, we stood up and he held is hand out to me. He asked me to shake on this. He explained the parameters of the "deal" again and asked me, "Are you sure?" He told me that we would "try it out," but to remember that this would be ongoing. Not just a one week thing.

"Yes," I told him. "I am sure." I put my hand into his, which he was holding out for a good 30 seconds by that point. He held my hand.

As I was walking out of the waiting room, I said to him, "Well?" He answered, "Yes."

This was me asking him if for reassurance to call and email him before our next session. I don't need to say anything besides, "well?" because he know exactly what I am going to say.

I trust my T. At this point, I need some sort of behavioral intervention. Insight will only get you so far (or nowhere at all) with stopping a behavior. He told me that my self-injury will no longer be ignored, or go without acknowledgement. We are doing this together to help me with this terrible addiction that has taken hold of me.