I woke up wanting to do the right thing for my family .

H sees me interacting with Anna as cheating because she has almost ruined our relationship several times being picked over him. One of my therapist told him not to make me choose because he'll loose every time. I gave up everyone and walked away into a horrible situation to keep her once, I'll do it again. So I need to be loyal and choose him.

I need to remember off medication my thoughts get more and more violent and planning violence is illegal.

I'm deathly afraid of the hospital but if I don't do something fast I'll end up there.

My eating disorder are stupid, rude, and need to be dealt with like children. I need to get the PCA for healthy foods and pay for a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders.

I have to fight to show Victoria it's okay. That being okay is enough. I gave this horrible illness to her now I need to show her what is good about recovery because she's lost.

The crying not much I can do over that, I'm just weak.

Now that I recognize it's paranoia. I have to ignore it.

I have to take care of myself because I can loose everything. Hanging on to 20+ year hallucination isn't going to make me well and now that I know it's a hallucination I need to leave it.

I understand this moment of clarity will pass so I'm posting it here.