Thank you all for your support!
It's a weird phenomenal when you know 100% and proven that the other is bad/wrong/'the one' and not you but the same time you live in it for so long and have no way of talking about it especially with the one, that you also believe you're the faulty one at the same time. Like Schrödinger's cat.
I don't like to think of my exit strategy (but I still do) because I precisely know the sequence of happenings, and what I will be accused with and how it all will go down. Naturally I can be wrong. There's a version where he'll say "now that you got your citizenship we're done, we've tried it all and this isn't the life i want" but that has a very little to no chance.
If I'll jump out any given time after I'm not depending on him, it'll be like "you were only with me for the papers" and "this was your plan all along" etc where I know he knows it's not like that but every argument (I wouldn't call it arguments when one is going on and on and on and the other has no more than 2 words in a row to say before getting interrupted and being called rude etc) anyways whenever there's any disagreement the facts are bent so I'm the bad one and he's correct using anything necessary to do so. Whenever I ask/say the same in a reply at a later time, then it's explained how it's "different"
So I'm not sure how to address the accusation of the above, and how to deal with the pages and pages long of messages of "I'm having a heart condition and having reactions, I'll die it will be on you" or "What should I tell my family?" and all sorts of making me feel awful leaving him. Playing the victim is one of his favorites. Also projecting. So It'll be "fun" if we go that way. Legally he can't do anything for real, but we know way too much about each other so we could throw dark matter on each other making to look us.. well a couple of 12yrs old. but also very bad. We had no prenup and I don't have a box of matches to my name where as he's got his 2/3paid off condo.
Retiring while divorce papers are already filed, then filing for alimony would be just a good laugh and a quick no for any judge I hope...
Not even any of my current concerns.
I will be the cause of all problems for sure and him stepping aside of our marriage also will be brought up and justified "you weren't there for me" well not sorry for being depressed after he treated me like **** putting me down and humiliating me for months and months when I was on a job hunt. Also there's 0 legitimate reason to look aside and look for someone else's 'love' in a marriage. More to it: in the opposite direction I'd been out of the country within a month. That was when we still lived together but whenever I dared to bring it up he goes "we weren't together that time" I broke up with him for 6-7 months way after this and this was the sole reason for breaking up. But of course I remember wrong.
I'm not looking forward to the "so you just want to give up on us" and "you don't even want to try" shame blaming. We did nothing but try since years. So what'd change? A few months of the "oh honey I love you" and frequent oral in the honeymoon of the abuse-cycle? Not again thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you for listening and making me feel less crazy.