I think it could be that, LT. I think I always knew my mother was unsafe, but my dad...

I remember a session with ex-T. We had talked about my mother a lot with no tears ever. But this session she brought up my dad, and I cried. She thought I was faking it.

I have given my dad so many chances. And look at even recently: supporting him for 5 years, and because of my sister, he turns his back on me and accuses me of abuse.

Maybe it's the same with L. Yes, the loss of hope. Similar to the loss of innocence L and I used. It's realizing that she isn't safe, least not completely. It's realizing she can't protect me from everything even from her. And it's realizing that she can't be my perfect mother.

I think I am realizing that I can never find that perfect safety and security in a person. That my desire for a real safe parent will never come true. And it hurts. I truly thought L was different.

I'll be honest, I don't feel ready to give up the fantasy, but I'm being forced to.