*Maybe a trigger, I dunno*

There is no other word to describe what I feeel right now. I'm overcome with the feeling of purposelessness, not just personal, but universal purposelessness.

I had such a weird trigger today that set me off to bawling. I was microwaving some coffee, and ever since my mom died, my dad has let the house run down to hell, so there's crap everywhere. He's quite a packrat. Anyway, I couldn't open the microwave cuz this little orange thing was blocking the door. So I picked it up and looked at it: it was a toy from a Wendy's kid's meal I had gotten at least eight years ago. How it ended up there, I'll never know.

Anyway, I was looking through this little booklet of games (it was a little travel log for kids) and I stumbled across a crossword puzzle with my dad's writing. I looked at it, and he'd made a mistake on one of them. This is a crozzword puzzle intended for eight year olds and he still managed to get an answer wrong.

Anyway, that just made me remember how pathetic and empty his life is and has been. Not only is he doing crossword puzzles intended for kids, but he can't even do them right. I have a lot of anger issues with my dad, but nobody deserves to lead so pointless a life: he has no friends, his family hates him, He only works part time, and his only pastime is watching old "Green Acres" tapes and doing stupid little crossword puzzles. I feel so sorry for him...

Then that got me thinking about my mom (I guess this could fit in grief and loss, but whatever). She also led a miserable life. After marrying my dad, she had no friends or social life; her family didn't pay her any attention; she was so sick with heart and lung problems that she could rarely leave the house; and she died an early, painful death.

Their lives are/were without purpose, meaning, or enjoyment. They only had each other and me, and they spent so much time fighting that I practically didn't exist.

I'm just in such existential despair over this. This existence is all they'll ever know in regards to life, and they got royally gipped. Now I feel like it's my obligation to vindicate their horrible lives by making something big of myself, which puts a considerable deal of pressure on me. There seems to be no justice in the universe, no purpose, no meaning... only senseless suffering during an all-too-short period of existence, with the overbearing knowledge that one day we will be no more.

I'm in so much pain... I just really needed to get this out.

-J