Please show yourself far more self respect and cut ties with this user and abuser. He is using and abusing you, he is manipulating and gaslighting you. You are not being treated well, and you need to have more self love and self respect to not only see this 100% objectively and clearly, but to have the courage, strength, and wisdom to walk away and NOW. You are not gaining from this, instead he is taking from you. He is lowering your self esteem and self worth. And you are allowing this to happen, as you stated and are well aware. You also have the power to also stop it. Don't listen to his nonsense. You are buying into his lies and manipulations. You are falling for them hook, line, and sinker. Don't listen to his words; instead, objectively evaluate his actions. And his actions are not ones of love and true caring. He is a jerk, and you deserve far better. Please leave him.