Talked to L on the phone today. There were two things going on. 1. When I asked her for an apology, she seemed to blame everything on my issues. She said my pain is not my fault and is not bad. She said she was being sorry for triggering my issues. 2. I asked her to reconsider a boundary she has with all her clients. It's technically not a big thing if she keeps her boundary. I'll be a little upset, but it's not going to cause a rupture or anything. But it upset me because 1. She doesn't have this boundary with strangers/new people and 2. She lumps me into the "client" category. I know I'm a client, but I want to be treated as a human and as myself. Like a small example is kleenex. Therapists are taught not to hand tissues to clients because they believe it means to the client that they shouldn't cry. I explained to L that giving me kleenex is a signal to keep crying and it's a kind gesture. Little things like that mean a lot to me. And I know she has changed her boundaries for me before, too. She also explained to me that being her client is a good thing. She is mine and I am hers. We would have never met in any other context. And this frame allows us to have a deep bond and do this kind of work. She is right about those things. She would never be a part of my life if we met differently.

This type of relationship is just hard to comprehend sometimes. You're a client, but you're special. You pay someone to listen to you, but they love you, too. There are weird boundaries sometimes, but other ways they are loose. This relationship can't exist in the real world. No friend would put up with this much of your bs. Yet somehow that hour can mean the world to you. It's just confusing.