@ Tart Cherry Jam

Thank you for the recommendation I have bookmarked it. I pray to God it will help. And also, I know that if after 5 mths I kept talking to my family about my ex, I can see them saying things like get over it. Or thats it’s get annoying. But, no! I had to stop talking about it the same week that I moved here. I was expected to move on the first week I came here. This is after I wasted 20 years, can’t ever see my dog again (7 hr plane ride plus his new wife knows nothing about me I doubt he let me see my dog), and zero saved up money. He controlled it all. I only left with only my clothes and memorabilia. I thought since I was living with my family, I opened up to them. But they say it’s depressing them to hear my problems. So I should keep it to myself. So for the last 5 mths although I lived with 4 other ppl, other than the first week here. I was NOT ALLOWED to share any unhappy feelings. And I’m not allowed to look sad, cry or complain.

The only person I can express my feelings with is my therapist. Also, my brother has major depression, and verbally abuses every one in this house. They can’t change him. So they gloss over it, this has been going on for 30 yrs for them. They told me “ if I want a roof over my head to just ignore him”. He abuses me all the time, to where I’m afraid to sit at the dinner table. But I am not allowed, to not eat dinner with them. Because that was one of the requirements I agreed too, before moving here. So far I’ve sat at the table less than 5 times, every time with him raging in my face.

Now, I eat standing behind him with him facing the opposite way. Yet, he will say snarky things or make up lies that “I said”. Which never even said in the first place, then I would correct him, he would go crazy. Once even saying, go eat somewhere in the corner so I dont have to argue with you. I was like “hello, duh I am already behind you standing up eating to avoid you”. He's like good just stay there or better yet go into another room. Those words were magic to my ears, I told my sis in law, see he gave me permission to eat alone, she says he's just mad doesn't really mean it. So were back to square one.

I have begged my sister in law to let me eat alone, she won’t allow it. Because, “we have to eat like family”. Only forgetting the part, where thats the only time I see him. And thats the time he always abuses me. There are no words to describe my pain. Sorry for the rant, it’s just this is the first time, aside from my therapist, that I’m telling people what I’m suffering from. In my last relationship, I was closed off no friends etc. Even though, I was with his family for 20 years, I also was not allowed to tell them about his cheating or verbal abuse. I am expected to be happy all the time. I couldn't talk to anyone besides my Dr’s. That’s also why it was hard for me to leave my ex. I had zero support, other than people in the medical field.

@ SquarePegGuy

Thank you as well for the recommendation. And you are correct, it takes bravery to open up to strangers. The two most bravest thing,I’ve ever done was, one leave my ex, and the other to join this forum and speak to strangers about my problems. At first I was afraid that everyone would judge me and think I’m crazy. But it turns out, everyone here is helpful, understanding and kind. I’m grateful for your guidance to help me out this hell hole I’m in. It means a lot that theres no judgement here. Thank you so much.


@ divine1966

Since joining here, and reading everyone comments, I have decided to let go of trying to get closure from him. Ugh, I’m so dumb to think he would apologize. I mean what if he thinks, he hasn’t even done anything wrong? I never thought of that option, until after reading comments here. And you are correct, living my life without this clown has value. The best thing my therapist said to me when I first moved here was, “at least you don’t have to worry about anyone cheated on you anymore”. It really is such a good feeling knowing i’m no longer being cheated on.