Frog4Life,
Thank you for your kind words and sharing. I feel that I am not alone in my struggles, and everything is complicated.

Rose76,
Thank you. You are right, the reality is about that. I am trying to look for opportunities.

I became angrier and cruel inside, and have thoughts I never wanted to have. I know it's my fault that I'm not trying anymore, but it feels like addiction. I used to harsh things.