I love my T and connect with her in ways I do not with other Ts. She is everything on this journey I am on
When I went for my session this week the first thing I noticed was how tired she looked. Dark under eye circles, pale, her voice was quiet and her lips looked white. She is usually well put together. She also usually tells me when she is not at her best because she knows that I notice. I usually notice her energy but have never seen it in her face. She didn’t say anything. I was really put off because I felt guilty for being there.
I didn’t want to say anything because what if she just skipped the makeup for once? I’m sure most of us have had the experience of doing that and then being told we look sick. Either way I didn’t want to insult or embarrass her. She yawned a couple of times too.
I found it really hard to open up. I actually wanted to run as I get triggered when the person who is supposed to be able for me seems to not be able for me. I think it goes back to my mother and her constantly exposing me to her struggles, she could have protected me from most of it but she didn’t because she needed the emotional support. I think I got the message that there was no room for my stuff, even though I was going through
and really needed an adult to protect me.
I hate how selfish I feel for getting scared that T wasn’t / isn’t able for me when she is obviously having a hard time herself. Or that I even turned up expecting her to be.
It actually turned into a good session. I tiptoed through the first half but she responded well and seemed to get more energised the more we talked and explored the topic I had prepared. She was practically normal by the end of it. But now I feel guilty about what it may have cost her to still show up for me
I know it’s not my job to look after her etc. I know all that. But feelings are feelings and I don’t know what to do with these and I’m not prepared to bring it up to her as I don’t want to tell her she looked like she hadn’t slept in a week or have her feel like she has to explain anything to me. Especially since she usually tells me when she is a bit off so that I don’t take it personally and she didn’t this time
I just want her to be ok for her own sake and so I don’t have to feel guilty for showing up