They don't watch me take my noon dose (Ritalin) or night dose (depakote) so I'm just gonna stop the Ritalin and ween off the depakote (it's ER, but split into three pills so it's doable). I'll just puke up my AM doses after they watch me which is gonna suck because my AM meds also include stuff for physical health (pantoprazole, lactulose, vitamin B and D).

I'm gonna tell them how the Depakote is doing nothing for "safety levels" other than switch risk of violence towards family to leaving stoves on, not responding appropriately to emergencies (and I live with a woman with chronic lyme and lung disease), and car accidents.

Compared to when my bipolar was at its worst, this isn't much better. Different beast, yeah, but if I knew I could be off meds and not have to constantly question if tomorrow I'll have the mental energy to check myself from throwing chairs at people who sniffle in a doctor's office, I would.

But ya know? I'm having cramps, and every time I get my period it seems I land in the hospital because its two weeks of wishing I had a sound proof room to live and scream in 24/7, so I probably won't even make it to the stupid freaking info session for my program. I swear, next pdoc appointment I'm going in and telling her I have PMDD (I did tell her a couple months ago that I think my cycle affects my moods way more than it should). I'm not one to self-diagnose in most circumstances, but there is no way there's a coincidence that I was in the psych hospital for all 6 periods I've had in the past two years. I do think I have bipolar independently from that though since I've been in the hospital without these fking hormones going wild, but, I don't know, maybe for those who menstruate there should be a bipolar-specifier that it is exasperated by their cycle. Maybe they're two separate things, but if I didn't have cramps right now I would swear it's 100% mixed episode, and if I didn't think I was bipolar I'd say it's 100% angry reproductive system episode.

I was talking to a friend about it this morning, and you know what she said??? HAVE A BABY!! WHAT THE FUUUUCK?!? I get like $900/mo as income that has a chance at disappearing in the next four years and I live with my mom. Oh, and I'm on an anticonvulsant with a black box warning for causing birth defects. Let's not forget the personality disorder that causes splitting, unstable relationships, and impulsivity. You still think that's a good idea? Would a broke *** addict that doesn't stay with a partner more than 6 months straight and can go from loving someone close to them to hating them over something as simple as how quickly they turned a doorknob who has a higher chance of forming an offspring with a major birth defect or passing on a genetic disorder that makes you want to die be a good candidate for being knocked up? Really? REALLY?!?

I don't even know what my plan is. If I'm in treatment, I can't be in treatment because the treatment keeps me from physically partaking in the treatment. If I'm out of treatment, I'm going to be forced into treatment because that's the stupid nature of mania.