I put on a body warmer cuz I was getting the chills.. THC shatter chills..
I've been hypomanic maybe before I met Miku, then I was severely depressed, and cried a lot - Healing of trauma, but also triggering it - Molding idk.. It was really ****ed up but also not.
Since the Vraylar, I've been very happy (I wrote this on Snapchat);
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"Ok so I'll start doing things at random - I pick a thing, even if I don't want to do it.... My mom said I'm manic and to take a benzo.. I just wish I could somehow do something super meaningful, or make a lot of money. I drank rum and then took the benzo. I blame Sy and what she did to me, and Miku - But I've benefitted somehow - Cuz there is no giving up, and we continue and accept what ever has happened..... Should have chill time for self-reflection/introspection".
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I'm taking 3mg of Vraylar instead of 4.5mg (Cuz I took the 4.5mg 2 weeks early, and don't have any left - But I have 2x weeks of 3mg Vraylar left). So I wonder what that does.
Last night I was listening to Clif High.. He says E=MC2 is backwards, ontologically - Not fully sure what that means, but basically "Energy/consciousness condenses into matter, instead of the other way around"
So spirituality is the key... So if you sit and meditate, self-reflect, any journaling, gratitude, good sleep, all healthy things.. That's what I do .. I do the healthiest of things.. I bought resistance bands (And a bar) + A treadmill (Which will arrive on the 19th) cuz I went for a run yesterday (Can't today cuz it's snowing) and it was awesome - I tried that inhaler so I could breathe in deeper since it was too cold and made my lungs hurt.. idk.. Not a good idea..
My sister and my mom got worried two nights ago about my drug usage, so they threw away all of my drugs (I allowed it as a decision of mine) - So all I have is meds, phenibut and cannabinoids.
I see my psychiatrist on the 18th, and I'll let him know a few things - Basically this (And a bit more that I'll add);
"New appointment 2024
- Vraylar works extremely well for psychosis - But the Invega injection is also useful
- Exercise is useful for not using drugs (But it’s gotten cold outside)
- Mild hydromorphone 2mg/ml nasal spray and 20mg/ml desoxyephedrine tincture addiction (Explain why and how you used them)
- Explain that you’ve used opioids for a year (2-3mg hydromorphone daily for 6 months), never overdosed once - And when I stopped for 1-2 months, no withdrawal happened.
- I was exercising (Running on the treadmill for 15-20 minutes a day in the hotel)
- Still take all of my meds as prescribed (Seriously)
- Refills for meds (Including diazepam refills)
- Jasper is basically a ghost town idk.. I’m learning to get my drivers license - To get a job washing buses I’d have to drive them around into the shop - And I’ll be changing tires etc)
- Been making more goals recently, more productive (Now that I’m not talking to my two friends as much)
- Trying to come to terms with infinite reality - It means once awakened, I get to do tricks...
- During formative years, I had symptoms of schizotypal, avoidant and borderline PD
- Maybe my schizophrenia is cured"
I tried learning about coding/programming today, and got distracted - I'd rather do chemistry courses.. I started reading a shamanistic book about schizophrenia - I read a few pages, and just started getting immersed into music... I'm learning how to journal again... So I'll do that later, and make a blog again...
A friend said that one piece of writing that I wrote, that I should write books, because she reads a lot of books and *knows when someone has talent* or some thing, like that....
Cuz when I write, there's certain styles that come out, based on my mood and cognition.. I have a very varying cognition.. It changes.. My personality changes.. My mom says I'm authentic and genuine etc still.. I have to understand/be aware of my morals, values, traits etc.... I think I have a somewhat intelligence _ I just need to ascend higher, in the stages of consciousness, awareness etc... All of the metaphysical thoughts, very helpful - But they don't happen as much anymore (Unless I don't notice them cuz there's less variability of comparison to my old ways of thinking)....
And I want to still be a neoshaman.. My mom called my friend a "Skank", and said that I couldn't fly to Vancouver to go to a party with her... My mom and sister said she is a narcissist - Idk if that's really true, it seems true.. Cuz she's sulking right now, and won't talk to me.. She would leave me on reply and my mom would say "Shame on her for doing that, she's immature" (She's 40...).. My sister sent her messages to defend me... Maybe I'm naive.. Idk..
She wants to be a neoshaman too, but she is addicted to ketamine, takes morphine, hydromorphone, Dexedrine, clonazepam etc.. (Prescribed) - She's drugged basically, but has a 145 IQ? Miku's IQ is 150+.. Idk why these people like to talk to me... When I've accomplished basically nothing in my life that society would consider relevant - In fact, I go against society.. Cuz I think (AS Clif High said), reality is an illusion that was created by people, money, - The starting point of science etc won't lead anywhere.. Yknow how physicists smash particles together to try and find a "God particle", and manipulate them to create something from them.. Quantum computers work 70% of the time etc and have to be cooled to zero kelvin temperatures and away from observation or human consciousness.. In order for them to work... That AI is dumb... And there's nothing really to worry about, even if they take most people's jobs.. That's how it should be really, but there'd be spiritual consequences....
Like sometimes I write so abstract, and I love when I do that.. I wonder if there's ways for me to continue doing that.. It only happens when I feel playful or something related to that....
My sister and her bf are visiting for 2 months! After 1/3 of my town burnt down.. And then my dad will visit too in a few days. Everything will be awesome. I wish I could make music.. I should learn how.. Remember for me, to pick something random - But I should play guitar more etc.
The only reason that I quit all 10x different drugs is because Trump won the election and now there's the "Trump effect" where every bad country is respecting the united states more _ So no big threat of nuclear war etc.. I was really worried beyond almost death about that happening... Many bad things will still happen, it's not perfect - But it's as good as can be done.. Since I know what I'm talking about, as I research every day while everyone doesn't have time to do all of this stuff since they're at work or caring for their kids, or sleeping.. Or getting high (Like most people do in modern society to get rid of the pain of civilization collapse) - But it will get better. I am an optimist now.
My driving teacher said that I did great on the driving lesson few days ago. That's pretty awesome.