I don't feel any animosity, Comrade. Not at all.

I know I must be irritating to some. Maybe many. I complain about my relationship with L and I know even by her own words that she is being unethical. I'm being unhealthy, she is being unhealthy, and that's probably why our relationship is having problems. Simple things, like not telling me she would let me know when she starts trying for a family, wouldn't have resulted in such big ruptures. And yet I stay. I stay and I know better. I know what people are telling me is good sound advice. And still I stay. It will probably never get better. Maybe this rupture can be worked through, maybe not. But we will always run into issues because of her loose boundaries. I never had these issues with T. Worst thing with T is one time she wasn't listening to me about something. I probably never had boundary issues with ex-T either. There were other warning signs with ex-T.

I just want what she is offering so badly! Last in-person session, I really think I was finally ready to quit. My goal was to remain silent, to fight her advances. But I couldn't. She brought up good memories which made me start crying. And then it was too late. I wanted to hold onto those memories. I wanted what we had back.

I just don't know how to do it. Maybe if I just ghosted her? But I promised I would have one last session with her, a closure session. And my word means a lot to me. I feel trapped. Trapped knowing what I crave she is offering me, bit what she is offering me is unhealthy.

I'm sorry everyone for being pathetic and a pain. I feel like maybe I should just stop complaining. It's my choice I'm staying. I'm doing this to myself. I can see now how/why divine gave up on me.