Thank you all for your support. It really means a lot to me. Truly. I just feel bad that I'm going in circles and not being able to stop it.

Deejay: I am overdue to write T. I write her once a month. I'll ask her for her opinion and advice when I write her again. She has always been wise and has good boundaries.

I did actually tell L today that people here and pdoc think I should leave her. And that I worry that it might be an abusive relationship. She asked me who knows us best. I told her T knows us best, but H knows our dynamic best. She said she's always making sure that our relationship doesn't turn abusive and that I don't get stuck in a pattern. It's hard to trust because that would be the answer for an abuser and non-abuser.