Session yesterday was hard. I told her happy birthday to her son. I got to see another picture of him. He's so precious.

We talked about why she prepared herself for a possible pregnancy, but not me. I forgot her answers. I told her she shouldn't have told me that she'll let me know when they start trying. But I also admitted that I don't regret it because her pregnancies have a huge impact on me. And that I will ask it again of her. This time I'll just be more prepared for this scenario again. I don't trust her wise-mind anymore when it comes to birth control.

I am pissed at her today. I asked her if she could write a letter to my new neurologist. I said she didn't have to, but if she did, it could be simple. For once she puts up a boundary and tells me if it takes her longer than 20mins to write it, she'll charge me. Like wtf? In the 5+ years, she has never told me that. So why now? I almost rather her not write because that's some b.s.

We had another small rupture, I don't remember what day. I had waited all day for her to respond to a text and when she did, at the end, she said goodnight. To me that meant end of conversation. That she was done for the day. I was upset because I actually had a really good weekend, and then she cuts me off from texts. We had a phone call and she said that her intention is never to cut me off. That goodnight's are the same as good morning's: just expressing care. So another misunderstanding between us.

It seems like that's all that keeps happening. For 5+ years we were on the same page. Now since her pregnancies, we are constantly having problems. I don't understand why. It can't be all on me can it? I know I'm ultra sensitive right now, and that my BPD can flare up. But am I causing all these issues? Is it just because I'm the "sick" one? Because this isn't fun. This is likea natural disaster hits which is hard enough, but picking up the pieces hurts, too. I'm definitely not trying to do this on purpose if this is my fault.