She can be working in an unethical way (which by her own admission is true) without being abusive. Whether she is an abuser or not is a bit loaded and black/white. I would be asking questions like is the work safe, solid, responsible, challenging, ethical.

For me, one of the saddest things about your descriptions of the relationship is that it doesn't sound like it will ever be ok without seismic shifts from her which at this point I think you would find intolerable because it would involve boundaries, her stepping back to allow you space, privacy, not sharing, not having access to her, etc and this would feel devastating and like abandonment (it wouldn't be, it would be both healthy work and painful).

The point of your therapy appears to be for you to feel loved by her. When you do, it's good. When you don't, you are in rupture. It is self defeating for that to be the focus. She should have been supporting you to be be in contact with all parts of you (not her) and for you to love those parts of you (not for her to love them). If love happens, that's something else, but for it to be the organising principle in the relationship reinforces a BPD outlook where you look to the other as an extension of your self.

So, it's not all you Scarlett. You are trying your best in an impossible dynamic which she is unethically upholding.

And I agree with others that no one here knows the whole of the work - not me who sees it as poor therapy, not other posters who hope you can work it through with her. The person who does know the whole is you. You know those parts who love her and those parts who know she isn't serving your development.

And her reverting you back to the relationship as proof of its solidity when you have valid and serious concerns about the safety of the relationship (which she herself has confirmed is unsafe) is not a valid reality check. It's circular.

I don't want to be disruptive to your process or add to the confusion by posting. However, I feel really strongly about not being a bystander if I see wrong. Again, my stuff is written through this (which is true for all other posters too).

It doesn't matter how frequently you post or repeat stuff. We all do it in our own ways. It's part of being here.