Comrade,
You're right. If L stepped back, if she put up boundaries that should have been there all along, I don't think I would tolerate it from her. It would be too much. It would be like an abandonment, rejection, or punishment. I think I would be able to leave at that point. It changes everything I've known for 5 years. I think I said it once before that I think she must feel trapped, too. Because I bet she knows if she went backwards, I wouldn't stand for it. Now if those boundaries would have been established to begin with, I doubt I would have objected to them. I didn't with any other therapist.

I think you're right about the love aspect. And I think it's any time I sense or feel rejection. I've become so attached and so dependent that I can't stand it when even the littlest thing goes wrong. I am depending on her for love: to love me and love my parts. I'm not doing the work, she is. Well, I am trying to do the work of identifying these parts and learning what they are saying. But caring for them? She's usually the one that speaks love to them. She cherishes me more than I do.

I don't think anyone here including you are disruptive to my process. I think it helps me. Information and learning is a good thing. And I'm trying so hard to genuinely take it in. I do however still feel bad that I'm putting you and other as a bystander. Like I feel bad that I'm not doing anything right now to fix the situation. I'm drowning myself at this point, not her.

But I seriously appreciate your input and support as well as others. I value what you have to say (even when it's hard for me to hear it!).