I have a better question for you (myself really, but I'm stumped)

What do I need from my team? Looking at it logically (why am I doing that all of a sudden now I just had alcohol wtf?), they haven't really hurt me. My mental unwellness has, I have, the system has, but my CM and pdoc? Nah. My T triggers my fears of abandonment a lot when she does stuff like call two hours before an appointment and cancel and ask if I want to leave early, but I bet that's not out of malice.

I really do get worried I'm "too much" for my T based on some things she's said ("you're too smart for your own good," "I'm glad I didn't have to argue against you in philosophy class," "you could convince me a horse is a dog" (that one's probably true and I might try it on someone else, but like, not someone with strong Si if we're going by MBTI cognitive function theory because I know that won't work), and as I alluded to earlier her asking me if I want to leave a session early or once she asked me if I wanted a break from therapy kinda seems like she doesn't want to deal with me.). The thing that sucks is that I really AM motivated, just not to find contentment. More in a overly curious want to figure everything out in my own way (rather than most efficient/safest/most definite) manner.

But I've been really struggling lately, feeling hopeless, paranoid, lethargic, whatever. I can ask for help and they'll ask me how they can help me and I. just. don't. know. When they ask I give it a think and then decide treatment is useless because I don't know the answer.